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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a
bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs
his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass
to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, downs his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his
gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much
sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass
either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala of course, picks up his beer and downs it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman
and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Whilst in London all three would be shot for the same reason
 

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Thats funny,I like it.Having said that,I come across Sth Africans here all the time,one just started working with me this past week.And increasing no's of Poms to I have to say,there seem to be a hell of a lot coming here at present.But luckily not many Aussie's
 

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Good Joke

Thats funny,I like it.Having said that,I come across Sth Africans here all the time,one just started working with me this past week.And increasing no's of Poms to I have to say,there seem to be a hell of a lot coming here at present.But luckily not many Aussie's

I agree, many South Africans going to New Zealand and loving it. I know of 1 who has been there 5 years and is going to apply for citizenship and anothe ex Rhodesian who was in the army with me who left Botswana to go to NZ and also loves it. Sounds like a great place, however I think I'll stick around, unless it gets like Zimbabwe and even then they may need to plant me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
When I was in OZ, I met up some friends who I went to University with in the U.S., they had just come from a month in NZ and were going to OZ. THe first thing they said to me was (they're New Yorkers FYI) Fran, you NEED to MOVE to NEW ZEALAND its your version of heaven. I can't wait to go over there. I ran into a South African woman working in a liquor store in Surfers Paradise in Queensland. She was quite beautiful. I gotta say she was quite beautiful!

Fletch, you love your country and good on you. RSA is a special place and thats a place I have always wanted to go.
John, can you tell us the American version?
 

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NZ is no heaven,but it is home and the only place I feel at home.I never visited NY and had no desire to during the years I lived in the US,cities are just not my bag especially large ones.
 

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Old jokes never die. that was originaly about a texan, someone else, and a mexican.
The texan shouting "remember the Alamo after shooting the mexican.
As I recall, the joke had two Mexicans and a lot of beer slogans. It was also pretty racist. Not saying I didn't get a laugh out of it, just don't know if it would be appropriate to post up here, unless John's version is different than mine.
 

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When I was in OZ, I met up some friends who I went to University with in the U.S., they had just come from a month in NZ and were going to OZ. THe first thing they said to me was (they're New Yorkers FYI) Fran, you NEED to MOVE to NEW ZEALAND its your version of heaven. I can't wait to go over there. I ran into a South African woman working in a liquor store in Surfers Paradise in Queensland. She was quite beautiful. I gotta say she was quite beautiful!

Fletch, you love your country and good on you. RSA is a special place and thats a place I have always wanted to go.
John, can you tell us the American version?
Unfortunately I have forgotten the American version but as I said, it involved a texan, a mexican and one other.
However here is a variation.
An Aircraft was flying along, and on board were a Texan, an Englishman, a frenchman and a Mexican. One engine sputtered and died. The pilot announced that they would not be able to make it to their destination on only three engines so someone would have to jump out to lighten the load.
The Frenchman shouted "Vive La France" and jumped.
Later a second engine died, and the pilot made the same request.
The Englishman shouted "God save the Queen", and jumped.
Unfortunately the third engine died when they were almost at their destination,
The Texan shouted "Remember the Alamo" and threw the mexican out!
 

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An Irish couple were flying across the Atlantic on a Boeing 747. The Captain came on the horn and said due a failure of one of the Engines they would be arriving in Shannon on hour late. was. A little later he announced that a second engine had also failed and they would be two hours late. He came on a third time and said that due to the failure of a third engine they would now be three hours late. The Irish man turned to his wife and said: "Let's hope that we don't lose any more engines or we'll be up here all blinking noight!"

In the interest of balance. On applying for a job on a building site in England an Irishman was asked if he knew the difference between a joist and a girder. He thought for a minute and replied that joist had written Ulysses and girder Faust.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
An Irish couple were flying across the Atlantic on a Boeing 747. The Captain came on the horn and said due a failure of one of the Engines they would be arriving in Shannon on hour late. was. A little later he announced that a second engine had also failed and they would be two hours late. He came on a third time and said that due to the failure of a third engine they would now be three hours late. The Irish man turned to his wife and said: "Let's hope that we don't lose any more engines or we'll be up here all blinking noight!"

In the interest of balance. On applying for a job on a building site in England an Irishman was asked if he knew the difference between a joist and a girder. He thought for a minute and replied that joist had written Ulysses and girder Faust.

:D
 

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There was similar a joke about the greatest mind in the world jumping out of a stricken aircraft with a boy scout's backpack instead of a parachute.

Anyone care to elaborate?

I can't remember how it goes.:(
 

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Anyone care to elaborate?
Something along these lines perhaps?;

An aeroplane carrying the Queen, George Bush, the Pope and an Aussie schoolkid was flying over desolate terrain when the engines stopped. For some reason, the crewmembers all baled out, leaving the four passengers with only three parachutes between them.

The Queen says "I'm the head of the greatest royal family in history. My loyal subjects would be paralysed with grief if I was killed. I must take a parachute" She does so and parachutes to safety.

George Bush stands and announces "As the head of the greatest nation on earth, the leader of the free world, it is important that I survive. I'm taking a parachute." He leaps out having donned the pack.

The pope turns to the kid and says "Son, I've had a long life. I'm ready to meet my maker. Take the only remaining parachute and save yourself"

"No need, Your Popefulness, there are two parachutes remaining. We both have a chance".

"How so"? asks the Pope.

"George Bush took my schoolbag"!

Budda boom tish!

Thanks folks, I'll be here all week!

Cheers,
Matt
 

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money If she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the Child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To Keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' On the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to Begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
Obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
Fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'
 

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
 

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Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
 

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Something along these lines perhaps?;

An aeroplane carrying the Queen, George Bush, the Pope and an Aussie schoolkid was flying over desolate terrain when the engines stopped. For some reason, the crewmembers all baled out, leaving the four passengers with only three parachutes between them.

The Queen says "I'm the head of the greatest royal family in history. My loyal subjects would be paralysed with grief if I was killed. I must take a parachute" She does so and parachutes to safety.

George Bush stands and announces "As the head of the greatest nation on earth, the leader of the free world, it is important that I survive. I'm taking a parachute." He leaps out having donned the pack.

The pope turns to the kid and says "Son, I've had a long life. I'm ready to meet my maker. Take the only remaining parachute and save yourself"

"No need, Your Popefulness, there are two parachutes remaining. We both have a chance".

"How so"? asks the Pope.

"George Bush took my schoolbag"!

Budda boom tish!

Thanks folks, I'll be here all week!

Cheers,
Matt
As I recall, Henry Kissinger was the original butt of that joke. :)
 

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funny

got a belly laff off that one.....:):):)


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
 

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Variation on the one-parachute-in-the doomed plane joke: There is a white air hostess, and 3 passengers: the ex-president of S Africa (Mandela), the current one (Mbeki) and the next hopeful (Zuma). They debate about who should get the parachute, without agreement.
Mandela then says
"In the interests of racial harmony, I think we should actually give the parachute to the white air hostess, to show how much forgiveness we have in our hearts".
Mbeki says:
"Well, I say f**k the air hostess"
Zuma says:
"Do you think we have time?"
 
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